Dear Jonathon Saunders for Target Skirt,
I'm just going to come right out and say it...We are over. You just don't work for me and I'm tired of being the only one trying. I know all my friends are going to think I'm crazy. On the outside you seem so perfect: color blocked in grays and blacks, slim pencil skirt style, so on trend...
But it really seems like you don't care, and it's clear that you don't want to compromise. Any of my shirts that I introduce you to, well, you just mock them and refuse to get along with any of them. And I feel like I'm suffocating, you're so constricting that it's hard to climb stairs and get out of cars! There's just no give on your behalf.
And look how you made me look in public...
I'm so embarrassed! Is it possible to make me feel more dumpy than I already am? Well you've succeeded! At first I thought it was me, but no, it's all you, this is all your fault! I don't have to look this way!
I know after a year of hanging around this may come as quite a shock, but I've been feeling this way for a while now and have wanted to let you go. I'm certain we'll see one another sometime while I'm shopping at Goodwill, but please, just pretend that we don't know each other. It will make both of our lives so much easier.
Thanks for nothing,
PS-Erase my number. Don't call me.